When I start anything new or different in my schedule it usually goes to crap for a few weeks. I’ve been having trouble sleeping when I don’t truly want to sleep. And now that my schedule is different, as in I have classes and homework, it got worse. It’s a little out of control.
When I don’t have anything scheduled I generally do okay, but at the same time, I have a lot of free time to myself that is undirected. That’s not ALWAYS the best thing to have. But, it’s a manageable thing to have.
When I have classes I have more directed activities. I have things I have to do, and a time frame in which I need to do them. That means I can’t necessarily go to Starbucks and play a video game for 6 hours just because that’s what I decided for today.
I’m not saying I can’t do the fun things I want, on the contrary, I generally do things that I want. I’m not complaining at all, particularly that I don’t get to do things. I get to do lots of things! It’s just a matter of rescheduling the flow of your life.
I have the habit of attending to required things and then letting everything else slide. Not eating, not doing anything in particular, sleeping, just letting life occur with no thought, as long as I show up to my required activities. This doesn’t really work for someone who wants to be more productive.
This would happen in the previous places I lived. We’d move and then for a month we’d have no schedule, no dinner plans, and it cost quite a bit sometimes. Or, I’d get a job, and then for the next two weeks, our schedule would be messed up because I didn’t really do necessary things in necessary order outside of my job. Or, Maus would start school, and then for the next week or two, it would be messed up again as I took up time driving him to school and waiting there until he was out.
I have to battle depression, my default state of being is depression. That includes lack of appetite, lack of motivation, sadness, down, being physically agitated, and despondent. If I’m agitated about something I do a complete shutdown. I just sit there or lay there, sliding in and out of consciousness and various other states of mind for hours. If I let it, for days. If I really let it… for weeks.
I default to this state of being many times, and think, oh, it’ll just be a few minutes. I’m always wrong. The problem is when I wake up I generally have no desire to do anything. Then I end up asleep again, and when I wake up I generally have no desire to do anything again. I usually gain a desire for something in some form after I’m awake for a while.
Actually, I usually gain a desire for anything once I start doing it. I have to make myself actually start doing something, whether I dread it or not before I start feeling like I actually want to do it. I call it momentum.
Getting there is unfortunately a lot harder than it sounds.
I want to be creative and engaged. I want to be able to have someplace I can go, whether it’s my computer, a physical place like Starbucks, where I can sit down and start my day. Up until now, it’s been Starbucks, and it’ll probably continue to be Starbucks. That’s okay, I can deal with that.
I haven’t updated my blog with my life as I was doing in late December. I want to get back into that groove though, updating with new information. It was good because it made me focus on doing things, rather than just kind of sliding along in a dark void halfway out of consciousness.
Of course, then there used to be the times I was so hung up I could barely speak coherently. Luckily, those days are very much behind me, due to awesome anti-psychotics. I haven’t had an episode like that in a very long time. I also haven’t transformed at all, even though I thought my teeth had moved in my mouth which was a bit disconcerting.
Also, the microscopic glass in the carpet has finally gone away. It’s no longer cutting up my ankle or getting into my eye or possibly my gums. Part of this is that I’ve stopped eating things that also agitate my gums, like chocolate-covered coffee beans. I was afraid the tiny little cuts in my foot and ankle were possibly something worse, but I haven’t noticed anything ever since I did more of a deep clean on the carpet. I wonder what that was all about?
I made a collage that I featured on Facebook and Twitter, but not on this blog. It looks something like this:
This is a test screen I made for my game Man Fur Machine. It’s made up of photos I took downtown. These are all photos I took, nothing from the internet stock or anything. I call it “Corner Store” It’s most likely going to be a downtown screen for the game, though it might not be used at all… depends on how I feel about my first effort. It’s meant to make you uncomfortable.
Maus says that my game will be very interesting.