People have told me that my ideas are creative. They are unique, and things that I’ve made have character (images and fursuit). Most of my encouragement comes from my partner but it’s hard to listen to him because he’s close to me. It’s kind of like how a compliment from your Mom doesn’t really really count because she’s your Mom? But, I seem to surprise people with a different approach or perspective. My programming classes get notable attention often. My drawing for the lamp was displayed at the Community Creative Center! Maus said it was pretty good, even comparable to the drawing next to mine in the gallery. I think that part of the problem when I come to thinking of the worth of my ideas or time, trying to bring myself to do something, is that I don’t have a lot of input that could be encouraging. And part of that is that I don’t have much exposure and a small social circle. Although, when I wrote those bizarre stories for SF, I have received thousands of view and good comments. I guess I have to have empty confidence. Sometimes I think an idea is average, when really people aren’t doing it. When I make my fursuits, they aren’t professional or look sleek, but they are unique and have character. I get a lot of mileage out of carefully thought out simple designs. (Which reminds me, I need to get suspender buttons for Isaac). Every time I tell a concept to someone that I thought was neat they get wide eyed and excited and say that it’s very interesting. I don’t think of average ideas and I think that’s also the problem because I think they have to be amazing and unique in every step or something, that they have to be perfect and awesome, when in reality, they don’t. They just have to be good enough, or at least improve-able. But I don’t think I can measure up to my own standards, then I can’t think of anything. I have seen my ideas get praise and interest from other people. I’m not trying to self-aggrandize or state how wonderful and genius I am, I’m only speaking from the experiences I’ve had with other people. I just have to trust that interest, think of that potential engagement. I am not short on other’s encouragement individually.
It felt good when I finished Impossible Things. I love when I get amazing concepts, like Monster Life (whose name was taken dammit!), or Howard. When I completed Howard’s design I was pleased and felt like a capable game designer. Like I was in the business, like a productive artist. I also finished that paper doll game for the library, but I was having trouble feeling accomplished at the time, and as usual no one saw it. Great ideas come into my mind all the time. I’m not at a loss for unique ideas. Maybe I’d feel better if more people saw what I’m truly capable of. I like all my ideas, so much so that I get content just admiring them inside my head. I’ve been a creative, unique, idea generator since I was, well, forever. I’ve been doing this for twenty years. I am a capable creative person.
Writing is difficult. Exercising actual implementation of creative ideas is always hard work. Nothing valuable is easy, though I like to think it is. It can be even harder when I’m sitting around thinking I want to do things, but lacking the ability to bring myself to do anything. My inactivity is stubborn. I have this push-back feeling when it comes to putting creative things of others in my head, when I should embrace new content. Will I ever listen to the podcast; or watch the video? My most comfortable and easy position is programming. Programming is second nature, like drinking water. How can I make other creative endeavors seem easy, how can I put such motiviation behind my writing and designs as I do programming? Sometimes, I think, “This is who I want to be.” Like, a fursuiting engineer, but then I think over and over, “I don’t want to read right now, I can’t read this right now, it doesn’t feel right.” When will it feel right? Why is inactivity my stubborn? Maybe if I can establish a flow of ideas? Some come in, some go out; they go in, and push some out. Maybe my brain is filled with my own unrecorded ideas that haven’t gotten out. In fact, writing this, I think that indeed that is the problem.
The output can be anything, a tutorial, an article, a program (maybe), but I have to be conscious about it. And I have to be flexible, as in, I have to be willing to do things where I don’t feel comfortable, like home. And then take care of thing so that when I do need or can go to Starbucks all day, I can do that (like today). I also have t be unafraid of letting my brain “veg” or relax through slight distraction or hobby. I have to not agonize over not being able to do anything, but not being able to play a game. I have to be conscious and deliberate in what I do, not just drift along in the shadow of other people’s thoughts and schedules. Is this discipline?
It’s not a discipline of choice. It DOES matter what I do. If I don’t create, then I’m not taking care of myself. Eat breakfast, take new things, read, listen, write, play, cook dinner, these are things I can consciously do to take care of myself. This is in taking care of who I want to be. I want to be a fursuiting writer/engineer, then I have to do my homework: make a fursuit, read engineering books, meet people, design games, write stories, STAY AWAKE IN THE MORNING! MAke a habit out of positive behaviors. Don’t schedule, habitualize.
To be who I want to be I have to actually do what I want to do, unafraid, undoubting, with desire and attention. When I don’t I’m just flapping in the wind of regret. I don’t want to regret another twenty years. Who does?
My creativity was doing really well when I was working at the school. That was the time I came up with Poochie Cures Cancer, and writing of it flowed easily. That was also when I wrote the first draft of the beginning intro for Kadar’s journey. And, on top of that I conceived Happy Underground News Station and wrote thre episodes. When I go to Starbucks I’m really able to focus, and especially programming. I’m able to “get lost” and be in the flow. It seems that I am more creative, concretely, when I have some form of structure to the day. Imagine that! When I worked at the school, I didn’t really have a choice, every day was filled with a certain responsibility. When I wasn’t taking classes, I would go to Starbucks every day and when I did that I accomplished quite a bit reading and programming. The question of mood, I’m not really sure, other than I didn’t feel bad. I find it impossible to bring myself to write or do anything when I feel bad.
Writing is only important in my life in so far as it facilitates a computer game, although I find myself relying on narrative games rather than necessarily game mechanics themselves. I generally feel that I want to be able to bring people into the world I write about. When I write it is enjoyable, I suppose, but the really enjoyable part to me is just coming up with the ideas. Inhabiting a world of my own creation is to me the most enjoyable day dream. Writing is more really a means to an end of sharing. I’m not really grateful about my writing skill or creativity, in fact actually I sometimes wish I wasn’t as creative. I think it would make my life easier (“the curse”), but at the same time… would it be as enjoyable? I guess I’m thankful that my life isn’t boring, at least, not to me. Yes, I’m thankful my life isn’t boring.