What The Hell Am I Doing Here?

That’s a line from that song Creep.  I’m not sure who it’s by, but that’s what he asks himself when he thinks about the girl he loves and being with her.  Post Modern Jukebox does two renditions of it, the first one is the best I think.

So what am I doing here?

I’m not going to write a post about oh wow, how I let the time go and now I promise I’ll be posting more from now on only to phase it out of my routine three weeks later.  That’s just kind of a band-aid post that doesn’t really work and isn’t really honest to the reader.

So I abandoned this blog.  I didn’t mean to, it just kind of happened one day.  I got out of the routine, and poof, no more posts on blog.

It’s not necessarily that I wanted to abandon this blog, I just stopped thinking about it.  And that’s one of the things I’m very good at: not keeping a mental commitment.

I come up with ideas for things ALL THE TIME, but I don’t usually commit to something for more than 3 weeks.  It’s a chronic problem, one that’s also cost money at times and disappointed a few over the years.  I hate it, it’s like at just the moment something’ll become a habit, something will gel… poof!

I’m a fairly creative person if I think so myself, but I never get anywhere because I can never focus my attention on something or get hung up on it after 3 weeks.  Or the worst, I think it has to be like something else.

This last month I realized that one of the reasons I don’t get very far with computer game ideas is because I was trying so hard to make it ‘as good as something else’.  As good as some other Visual Novel, as some other RPG concept.  I’d get hung up on it and start to find myself tongue-tied creatively.  It’s kind of like when you don’t check your e-mail because there’s so many messages in there and it just causes you anxiety, but when you don’t it just keeps piling up.

I think I escape from my escapes sometimes.  I mean, come on!  Is there anything that I can just rest at and say, this is good enough.  I’m thinking of streaming some gameplay I’m doing to see if I can meet a few people, but as soon as I was about to stream I became self-conscious and thought, “But, what if I’m not very good at playing and somebody says something?”

I’ve been so afraid of what naturally comes out of me that I’ve been trying to cut out cookies with other people’s shapes.  I noticed as soon as I started to listen to my own voice, my own creativity, I started making a game concept that is all its own.  I started making something that I could focus on itself, rather than focus on something it should be.

In the mean time, I’m posting here for now.  I’ll try to pick this up again, but I can’t make any promises.  We’ll see how the next couple weeks go.

I also enrolled in Drawing II next semester.

photo credit: tenori-on offline meeting via photopin (license)


I'm just a wunk, trying to enjoy life. I am a cofounder of http//originalpursuitssoc.com/ and I like computers, code, creativity, and friends.

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