I’m putting myself down, I’m hating myself so severely I cry and try to stab my leg, I’m taking for granted the fact that nothing comes to me without stopping and thinking that it’s maybe because I’m not asking for anything. I’m floating in a void of self-pity, self-hatred, self-loathing, and thinking my life is cursed because of who I am.
Tagged: Mental Health
I can’t seem to figure out how to pick up the blogging thing again. I was doing really well for a couple weeks, but then I kind of had some emotional issues and the whole thing died. I don’t want it to die. I’ve experienced that the more you put out there into the world, the more that comes back to you.
To be honest, the classes are good because they make me accomplish things, I have a total commitment to them. But at the same time, because there’s deadlines and such, I feel like I don’t have time. I feel like I’m always losing time.
I want to do things. I want to do amazing things.
I just don’t know what they are.
I’m turning 33 in April, and I have the ability to either learn lessons at random as I have been doing up until now, or to direct my own education. To direct my own abilities with the experiences I have had up till now to form a better picture. A more fulfilling picture. I’ve been preparing for this moment for a lifetime.
I don’t really know what to do, or what I can do to help me feel better. It always seems like I’m just not on top of things, that I don’t really know what to do with my current self, only my past self. My father said I had a blessing and a curse. Unfortunately I feel more curse now than blessing.
This isn’t a post where I’m going insane and writing some crazy thing about a life-threatening problem I’m experiencing right now. This is a post where I’m just putting what I feel sometimes out there, and see if it helps anybody, or if it might help me. I’m in a tough spot, but everybody has tough spots. I doubt I’ll miraculously find the answer on the internet. In fact, I know I won’t ever find the answer on the internet.
I feel depressed a lot, but at the same time… I can be quite happy. Can you be happy and sad at the same time? Some say no, like my partner, but some say yes, like my brother. Sometimes happy things can be sad, and sometimes sad things can be happy. Is it a matter of controlling your emotions… or how you think about your emotions?
There’s this thing about simple words that I find peculiar. It’s like a relative of mine who’s life is a mess, quite a bit of it at their own hand. When confronted with a suggestion to go to therapy, they conceded. But when told that they have to take responsibility for her own emotions, they say, “Oh I know I know”. Or, when its suggested that only they can control themselves and no one else, they say, “I know that, I know.”
When I was living in Granby, right after I had to leave CU in Boulder, I saw a therapist every week named Dr. Whitefeather. She had a doctorate in organizational psychology. She was an amazing person. She was special. She rode motorcycles, worked in the phone company, had tattoos, worked at a phone bank, native american, etc. She was just a very varied person, perfect for me. One of the things we talked about early on was the “should’ve beens”. For instance, I “should’ve” gone to college, but I didn’t.
My mother told me that being grateful is one of the keys to happiness. She told me this after I have expressed how grateful I am for everything in my life multiple times. That makes it sound curt, but it’s not. She helped me buy a new TV, and I’m grateful for that. She’s helped me and been there for me whenever I’ve needed her, whether I’m depressed or angry. She’s my best friend and I love her a lot. I’m grateful that I can have a mother like her.