And I thought, I considered, when has this occurred before? Now, if I become dysphoric and hate on myself and form a very altered version of reality and it lasts for five days with me being unable to do anything but lay on the couch, Maus wants to take me to the crisis center. Five days! That’s nothing compared to the state I found myself in for two and a half years. I’ve written about it before.
Tagged: Mental Health
My ideas are worth something. I want to do some tutorials on electricity and programming, partially because I want to build an augmented reality system for myself (and potential future fursuits). I also want to make a new fursuit, this time of myself. In terms of programming, I though it’d be kind of cool if I could make some kind of game engine editor thing, even if it was only for me and Maus to use. Another thing I thought would be interesting to build is an AI/Robot thing. I always dream of creating a furry robot that could be my friend. What do you think?
Can Asher make friends, or is he destined to befriend druggie-sluts who never invite them to their toga parties? Did Isaac Homebrew bring home the right pizza, or was he stuck in clean up in the coffee aisle? Do the Golden Girls live on, and whatever happened to Rocket Raccoon? That and more!
Maus made a post once on Facebook, at least I believe it was him, which he claimed captured me perfectly. He was right, it was the image of a coffee and on it the words appeared, paraphrased, “I don’t really have a plan every day, just coffee and strangeness my friend, coffee and strangeness.”
I’ve decided that one thing I can work on is this blog. Here’s the deal, I have to keep myself busy. I’m not allowed to “not do anything” anymore, so, I’m going to need some projects or activities to keep me busy. There have been times in the past when I’ve kept up this blog to a pretty good degree, and it was kind of fun.
Challenging ourselves, and resolving emotional issues on a personal level from a personal level is key to our own physical and mental health. This has been scientifically shown time and again. Life without conflict, without challenge, won’t allow any of us to grow and expand in understanding, but rather keep us as small infants incapable of expressing ourselves outside of crying. We owe it to ourselves to strive to be larger than we already are.
The idea I have to keep in mind from all these developments is that I just have to love myself, and aspire to bring positivity to my life with what I have. I’m not going to get anywhere dwelling on what I can’t do with what I don’t have, and that’s what I’ve been doing all this time.
We’ll see if I have another ‘anger episode’ this week, like I did last week and the week before since stopping the Lamictal. Maybe I can direct it in a better direction, I just have to lay out the pipes. Makes me think of Super Mario, like there’s this little red Italian plumber running around inside my psyche jumping on baddies, and turning into a raccoon. Works for me!
I’m in this strange place where I don’t believe anything I say about myself, or anything anybody says about me, there’s just nothing there. I’m just nothing. I look back o myself and try to take stock, without anger, and I just find nothing. There’s nothing there… and I hate it.
I just don’t generally think of my life or my experiences of it as necessarily that unusual or special, mainly because I don’t have a tendency to necessarily think I’m that special. It’s not that I don’t value myself, as I’ve been getting much better about that through reading Seth. It’s just that I don’t really place myself ‘above’ or in a position as ‘different’ than other people in my mind. I just think we’re all human, and we’re all different.
I also consider this post a bit of a reboot, to fit in line with the remaster, in that I’m wiping the slate clean with what I haven’t posted. This means I won’t feel like I have a giant back log of stuff that I have to get to the screen. What’s ‘lost’ is lost, but I can move forward with more great amazing things!
That’s my journey right now in the physical, intellectual, and spiritual realms. When I’m thinking positively, I want to expand my consciousness, knowledge, and abilities to be as rich as possible. I’ve really tried to start loving myself more, and honestly, it feels much better to just do my own thing than worry about hating myself or doing the right allegedly most efficacious thing.
I’m putting myself down, I’m hating myself so severely I cry and try to stab my leg, I’m taking for granted the fact that nothing comes to me without stopping and thinking that it’s maybe because I’m not asking for anything. I’m floating in a void of self-pity, self-hatred, self-loathing, and thinking my life is cursed because of who I am.
I can’t seem to figure out how to pick up the blogging thing again. I was doing really well for a couple weeks, but then I kind of had some emotional issues and the whole thing died. I don’t want it to die. I’ve experienced that the more you put out there into the world, the more that comes back to you.