State Of The Fur

I’ve decided that I just need to stop caring so much and start doing.

My life has been in a little bit of a limbo, as well as being a bit mixed up with classes.  However, there isn’t really anything particularly taxing about the classes that would affect my life in a hindering way.  They’re just some things I have deadlines on.

I’ve posted previously in aimlessness, wondering, what am I to do with myself?  I have so many projects, but I can never pin anything down.  I have the ability to do lots of things, but I never seem to grasp on to them well.

Part of it may actually be my medication.

My nurse practitioner raised my anti-psychotic to 10 mg.  However, just like in the hospital, this encouraged me to sleep all day.  It’s very hard to stay awake when you’ve got 10 mg of anti-psychotic running through you.  So, now she’s lowering it back to 7.5 mg.

But that’s not the only change, she’s also reducing my anti-depressant by 20 mg.  That’ll make it at 60 mg rather than 80 mg.  She says I was beyond the maximum dosage for this medication too.

I told her that sometimes I wish I could cry, but I don’t cry at anything anymore.  She says that’s the anti-depressant, it’s blunting me from feeling.

In fact, she stated that she thinks I’m afraid of feelings.

I told her that I’ve been having some anxiety issues.  And I have, and when I have a lot of anxiety I sleep.  I don’t know what exactly I’m having anxiety about.  I know what it’s like to have grossly emormonous untreated anxiety for no good reason, and I have a very high threshold for how much anxiety I can take.  The reason I think I am having anxiety right now is because I always feel like I’m running out of time, like I’m always supposed to be doing something else.  It sucks away all creativity from my brain, and I get total absolute creative block.

I told her this, as well I told her about how I feel pained sometimes, how I feel disturbed sometimes, and she said that the creativity will be boosted when she lowers my mood stabilizer again after the anti-depressant is lowered and stable.

I was talking with Captain about this, and she remarked something I found very interesting.  She said that she has heard of people thinking they’re actually dumber on their anti-seizure medication.  I have experienced this very thing, though not necessarily with anti-seizure medication (my mood stabilizer is an anti-seizure medication)!  For a long time I thought I had brain damage, that there was literally something wrong with my mind.  When I was first struck with the great depression, I felt like I couldn’t understand or manipulate abstract concepts at all.  I thought I was the only one complaining that I felt dumber, but apparently I’m not!  That’s good to know.

I’m hoping that with a lowered dosage of the anti-depressant that maybe I’ll start feeling things more strongly again.  I complained to Maus that I felt like I wasn’t feeling anything all the time anymore, and now I actually have some backing to that statement.  I think being able to feel things comes as a blessing and a curse.  It’s a blessing because I think it’ll help me be more creative in my own pursuits, but it’s also a curse because I generally default a little the left of content and more on sadness.  Which is very poor for Maus because my mood very much dictates his mood.  It really shouldn’t, but I guess it does.

I know I’ve written before about all my various projects.  I don’t really want to be one of those people that has great ideas, goes through a cycle of talking about all of them, and then never accomplish anything of them in my life.  I want to make something and do things.  I slept all day today, I could’ve been reading, or doing my embedded systems class, or walking, or writing and drawing, but no, I was sleeping.

I’ve talked previously about how Maus and I will go into this cycle where we’ll think we need to make a small game to get something out there, and then every time we start working on it we get under the impression that its big, so we switch to another project in the hopes that it will be small and we can make it in a short while.

Well, screw that shit.  I’ve decided that I’m going to work on the project that I am most passionate about at the moment whether it’s big or small.

I also seem to have a problem with lists.  I should refer back to lists I made to gain focus.  And I will do that, or at least try to start doing that.  But I know I’ve posted lists here before of what exactly I should work on, and then I just kind of forget about it.

This piece of action is actually from some advice Aly and her boyfriend Dootz gave me about doing what I want to do.  Someday what I want to do will be fruitful, but until then, just do what you want to do.

So, these last week and a half, I’ve been working on the FIGMENT role-playing system.  It’s a computer role-playing game system that I’m developing for a computer game (RPG) called Fata Morgana.  It’s very interesting, at least I think.  It doesn’t follow the normal relationship between stats and measures that other systems do.  At the moment I’m building it in Electron, which is forcing me to use JavaScript (so if I use something else JS-based all the script code is still there).

I can’t seem to figure out how to pick up the blogging thing again.  I was doing really well for a couple weeks, but then I kind of had some emotional issues and the whole thing died.  I don’t want it to die.  I’ve experienced that the more you put out there into the world, the more that comes back to you.  I want everything to come back to me!  AAAAAAAA!

photo credit: Lazy Sunday via photopin (license)


I'm just a wunk, trying to enjoy life. I am a cofounder of http// and I like computers, code, creativity, and friends.

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