State of the Beauty
I have this project that is not even necessarily possible. Technically, it is agreed to be impossible, but I contend with this conclusion and have developed some interesting things. Unfortunately, I can’t really share them here. I mention it only because I wanted to talk about life construction.
This particular project is extremely difficult to make strides in, but when I get inspired or get new ideas I’m highly motivated, almost to obsession, to work on it. The problem with it being technically impossible, is that until it works, I don’t have much of anything to show for it.
That’s a lot of effort put into something that doesn’t necessarily really help or enrich my life in the short term. This makes it seem like my life is not as ‘full’ as other’s lives when I take a step back to ascertain what I have done, what I have, and what I know.
I wrote previously that I can be a quite envious person, and it still holds true. But, the things I get envious about are kind of silly. When I see other people get commissions from artists of their characters, or even draw their own characters, I get a little jealous. Or when somebody has friends that I think I should have, or has nifty stuff that I wish I could have or be like. The reason I get jealous is because I wish I could work on things that actually have some growth potential and merit like how I perceive these other people being.
It’s a matter of self-discipline and focus really, and not being obsessed with something that never goes anywhere. I feel like if I sit around and only focus on something that may not even be possible, and that I also can’t share with people, I’m not going to foster or grow any kind of coolness of life. In a sense, I will have wasted a lot of time when I could have been fostering things that could grow in my life and provide me more immediate value.
I don’t have a lot of friends, at least not in the sense that I think I should have friends. Then again, it’s possible that my conception of what kind of friends you should have may be a little skewed because of my borderline personality disorder. I just like feeling like I’m part of something, some community of any scale, even if its just three people. That’s why, despite it not working at all, I kind of liked having roommates. Somebody more than just Maus around that offered a changing dynamic.
If you don’t count Maus, I spend a lot of time ensconced in my own little world. A lot of the stuff I do never goes anywhere, isn’t really shared with anyone, and just kind of rests as entertaining day dreams. I don’t talk to people for one, I seem to be incapable of introducing myself to others when I have only myself to rely on. On top of this, I’m not as agreeable to putting new things in my life. I don’t listen to podcasts, I don’t like learning about other furries, I don’t read news sites, I don’t participate IN any particular community either. My imagined goals and my actual behavior are not cooperating with each other.
Maybe I’m just unrealistic. But, sometimes I feel like I’m just a nobody. Nothing to me, nothing to my personality, nothing that others would even remember. Nothing that I’ve created that I can roll around and have other people take any notice in any way I would find positive. I mean, the art gallery is a really good thing, and that does satisfy my requirements to a degree. However, that particular work isn’t exactly the audience and community I imagine. I mean, it’s good, it’s something, I like it, but it isn’t quite what I imagined.
I think I feel like I’m just a nobody because I just don’t really have anything that anybody really appreciates. I don’t have any substance to my life that I can share, just a lot of hours put into something I just can’t share with anybody yet, and may not even work.
So, what is a man-boy to do?
I don’t really know. I’ve tried several things before, in fact, this isn’t really my first blog. My first blog was at furdev.com, and you can still see it at furdev.com/furdev. No, actually my first blog was my LiveJournal. Those were crazy and interesting times, with Kevin, my adopted brother, and Amy. Now, I don’t talk to Kevin, or Amy anymore. I bring this up because my first actual self-hosted blog idea was that I’d publish articles about my life and about learning technology. Like tutorials and other such things. I wrote a whole small series on binary, but then, like many other things got distracted with something else, some new project, some fancy, some whatever.
Well, not I have this blog and a little more experience under my belt in both life and programming. It didn’t really help that I started my first blog when I was having a lot of emotional issues, so things were a little skewed. I started it in the small hope that maybe I could find some beneficial friends out there while at the same time cataloging my life (because my brain damage was causing me to forget things really bad).
I want to be a particular thing, but I don’t really know how to express that exactly. I want to be so furry I can just do furry things without thinking about them. I know that doesn’t quite make sense. I see other people do things, like make music videos, and I just feel like I can’t do that, I’m too small. It’s kind of depressing, but at the same time I have this urge to not input any new things into my life that could actually help me.
What am I doing here? What is the purpose of this blog? What can I do with it to help me accomplish what I want to accomplish? And I don’t really know.
Producing content is a daunting task in some ways. But, it’s hard to produce any meaningful content when you don’t have a particular heuristic, an agenda, a goal; a plan. In fact, you can’t really produce any meaningful content without any of those things. But, I don’t think I have a heuristic, an agenda, a goal, a plan… maybe that’s what’s wrong with my life?
I don’t really know what to do, or what I can do to help me feel better. It always seems like I’m just not on top of things, that I don’t really know what to do with my current self, only my past self. My father said I had a blessing and a curse. Unfortunately I feel more curse now than blessing.