Something Amazing

Well, I spent three hours trying to program in JavaScript for my dungeon crawling game and finally decided that I didn’t know JavaScript well enough.  Aye aye aye, I’ve read up on JavaScript a lot, but I did it a long time ago, and since I never actually employed it it’s slipped out of my mind.

I have trouble thinking in terms of functional programming.  Higher order programming that operates on functions is difficult for me to grasp, but I know it’s extremely useful.  This is a little frustrating because I love abstractions and using them.

Then I decided that I’d work on my blog some.  And now I’m here.

I’m having a problem starting things.  I have no idea where to start ANYTHING.  I feel like I could do something amazing, but I have no focus, and no plan.  I’m having trouble even tending to the apartment, making sure I have quality meals, doing something enjoyable in the evening, creating anything artistic.

I want to do something amazing, and I know that requires a lot of work.  I’m not afraid of doing the work, but I have to ask myself, where do I start?

I want to write tutorials about computers and programming, but where do I start?  Do I start with the abstract more mathematical foundations (something I wish I had access to when I was learning about computers and how to program).  Or do I start with the craft of programming, getting in there and just doing it.  I find the idea of learning how to program with a complex language like C or Java kind of gets in the way of expanding programming knowledge from the beginning.  You get into a certain model for things and it becomes difficult to think about something else.

In my art, I sit and nothing comes out.  Maus says I need to apply my debugger skills to my life.  Ask what’s wrong and figure out how to fix it and do it right.  I’m blanking out.  In fact, I’m blanking out like I did before.  Before when I was a crazy person, but this time I won’t accept it.  I won’t let myself become nothing again.

What do I want to accomplish?  What is it that I really want to do?  What finite thing can I grab onto and explore?  I’ve got vague general ideas about all sorts of things.  Artificial intelligence, robotics, self-help, tutorials, programming, fursuiting, artwork, it all swims around in my head.  Do I focus on this, or do I focus on that?  Do I start this from the way way beginning of this large feat, or do I start near the end and do something useful?

And nothing ever seems to fit.  I can’t find a passion or meaning that I can strive towards.  When I was programming every day in Starbucks, when I was a man with all the time in the world, I came home every day satisfied that I had done something productive and easily got into playing Grandia.  I spent 120 hours on that game successfully because I was satisfied to do it.

Now, it seems like nothing satisfies me.  I do something and I think, “Wow, I just wasted that time.”  I don’t want to do things that are useful or take care of myself because I have trouble seeing the point.  Which is bad.  Very bad.

I can do things.

But what is it that I want to do?  What is it that I want to do in the time I have to do it?

I look back and think, oh when I was sixteen I wish I had done this, and then I think oh, when I was twenty I should’ve done this.  Oh, when I was twenty-eight I should’ve done this.  I never know what to do at the age I’m at.  And I know, if nothing changes, I’ll look back when I’m forty and say, oh, when I was thirty I should’ve done this.  If only I had understood then… but I’ll be forty and not know what to do with my life.

I feel like my life is empty, and yet I know it’s not.  I look around at other people and think, I wish I could be satisfied like them, despite the fact that I know absolutely nothing about the people around me.  I just don’t understand why I can’t focus all my intelligence on one thing and say, “That’s what I’m going to do, and that’s going to fill my time…”

It seems like when I was “a man with all the time in the world” I was able to be productive and do things.  Anything.  I programmed an entire web browser in PHP by myself, from the HTTP protocol documents.  Now I don’t feel like I have all the time in the world.  Now I feel like time is closing in on me and I’ll never accomplish anything because I’m fretting about how time is closing in on me.

To be honest, the classes are good because they make me accomplish things, I have a total commitment to them.  But at the same time, because there’s deadlines and such, I feel like I don’t have time.  I feel like I’m always losing time.

I want to do things.  I want to do amazing things.

I just don’t know what they are.

photo credit: New Year’s resolution via photopin (license)

kadar

I'm just a wunk, trying to enjoy life. I am a cofounder of http//originalpursuitssoc.com/ and I like computers, code, creativity, and friends.

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