Poochie Cures Cancer HD: Introduction
I have this project I’ve been working on for a very very long time. Part of the problem is that I don’t sit down and write it, despite having all sorts of ideas about it. It’s called Poochie Cures Cancer. It’s a fanfic.
Really, it’s the fanfic to end all fanfics.
This has actually been put up due to popular request. Almost everyone I tell the story/details to says it’s brilliant. I don’t know if its brilliant, but it makes me laugh and I wrote it.
Poochie Cures Cancer used to have a website, and these first several postings will duplicate what was on that blog. I decided that it was better to share this on my blog because it was a pet project of mine. I really feel like this particular project comes from an individualist place deep inside, that’s where my humor lives. I feel like, this is me, and this is how I show everyone else.
Do you remember that character insertion into Itchy and Scratchy on The Simpsons? They wanted a new character and crammed together this focus-group laden hippy rapping ninja dog voiced by Homer. It was a total flop and Poochie ended up returning to his planet where they needed him.
Poochie has even garnered an Urban Dictionary entry, if I remember correctly.
I know it’s written very badly with lots of mistakes. That’s the point. If you’ve ever read much on fanfiction.net you’ll completely understand, otherwise, it’s just simple charm.
Well, this is the story of Poochie and how he single-handedly cured cancer:
Poochie Cures Cancer HD
Stardate 126.96.36.199.52.67.23… automatic computer report to reconnaissance destination. Ship’s integrity has been breached, all systems are failing. Signaling SOS in rotations, terminal log out.
“Sir, I don’t shouldn’t Mr. Meyers know of Poochie’s fatal non-return?”
“This is not a matter for that human Roger Meyer’s concern. It is our problem… without Poochie, I just don’t know what will happen to our planet. That is our only concern.”
“But without Mr. Meyer’s invitation for Poochie to engage himself in the cartoon world of Earth, our brave hero would have never learned hippie ninja surfing… the crucial element to our survival.”
“If you wish to congratulate that human Roger Meyers on the production of our now most useless asset, I’m not going to stop you, but it’s just a breathless effort.”
Alone… lost in space… with no robot to guide him… floated Poochie, the sole survivor, and genius remedy of Poochanus, of the solo flight. The bubble over his head was squishing his brown elongation, bending his sunglasses, and pushing the brim of his purple hat against the back of his head, while his trusty surfboard was frozen to the side of his green argyle spacejump suit.
Could this be the end of the awesomenest gangsta’ Poochie? What legends could his fellow Poochaney home grown boys spread if they never knew of his telly-rocking powers? This dug more pain into the depths of Poochie’s plastic framed oblongs.
Just then, those very same surfaces gave a distant glistening glint of silver in the distance. What could that be? Poochie couldn’t understand his eyes. It was as if there was a silver man, on a silver surfboard, riding along through, space against a backdrop of, a silver galaxy… what a spectacular spactacle!
It came closer and then closer, and then closer still, until it was close enough. Then it stopped. Poochie, unable to control his movements, floated there, helplessly, unable to move.
The creature extended what looked like a very shiny arm towards the beagle-hound-genius, shiny enough to see your face in it. Yes, even yours!?! A giant silvery voice boomed, “What’cha doin’ there li’l guy?”
“Bark bark bark!”
Silver eyebrows raised themselves.
“Nah, just kidding you fool, I’m Poochie, in your face Frezno style!” Poochie barked some more, “Popozow hippie!”
The giant silvery voice of purlesence boomed again, “Ain’t you cute li’l feller… look at that toy surfboard you got there, aw, it’s all stuck to ya.”
Poochie frowned, “This ain’t no toy surboard, you da fool I pity! This is a deadly kung-fu weapon and extraterrestrial travelling device!” Then grinned, and made w-fingers.
“Lookie ‘ere, maybe you could use a little warmth…” the silver god soothed boomingly, “I know I could….
Written by Asher Wolfstein
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