My Beautiful Life Blog
I’m putting myself down, I’m hating myself so severely I cry and try to stab my leg, I’m taking for granted the fact that nothing comes to me without stopping and thinking that it’s maybe because I’m not asking for anything. I’m floating in a void of self-pity, self-hatred, self-loathing, and thinking my life is cursed because of who I am.
Philosophy was one of those subjects that you learned about on your own, apart from school. It was a place where I could shoot ideas out into it and see where they go, no textbook, no teacher. I probably drove my brother crazy with all my, often hare brained, ideas and beliefs.
I can’t seem to figure out how to pick up the blogging thing again. I was doing really well for a couple weeks, but then I kind of had some emotional issues and the whole thing died. I don’t want it to die. I’ve experienced that the more you put out there into the world, the more that comes back to you.
To be honest, the classes are good because they make me accomplish things, I have a total commitment to them. But at the same time, because there’s deadlines and such, I feel like I don’t have time. I feel like I’m always losing time.
I want to do things. I want to do amazing things.
I just don’t know what they are.
However, with that in mind, diagnoses of mental illnesses posit that there are common experiences, common hindrances, common complexes that categorize disorders into diagnosable conditions. Mental illness is an objectively measured thing in terms of how it hinders your life. I say this to put forth the idea that just because our experiences aren’t exactly the same, each person’s experience has a common clinical ground that can be discussed.
I think this is PLENTY, and I mean PLENTY of stuff to work on. I can’t promise that all of them will be kept up. In fact, I won’t be surprised if only two of them are really kept up, the tutorials and the art series. But I can try. I thought I’d give myself a little bit of avenue and leeway so that if I get interested in the game and the AI for a week or two, it’ll be a break from the tutorials and art.
I’m turning 33 in April, and I have the ability to either learn lessons at random as I have been doing up until now, or to direct my own education. To direct my own abilities with the experiences I have had up till now to form a better picture. A more fulfilling picture. I’ve been preparing for this moment for a lifetime.
I don’t really know what to do, or what I can do to help me feel better. It always seems like I’m just not on top of things, that I don’t really know what to do with my current self, only my past self. My father said I had a blessing and a curse. Unfortunately I feel more curse now than blessing.
This isn’t a post where I’m going insane and writing some crazy thing about a life-threatening problem I’m experiencing right now. This is a post where I’m just putting what I feel sometimes out there, and see if it helps anybody, or if it might help me. I’m in a tough spot, but everybody has tough spots. I doubt I’ll miraculously find the answer on the internet. In fact, I know I won’t ever find the answer on the internet.
With the success I’ve had with the open-source libraries I found for speech recognition and synthesis I’ve decided that that plan is outdated. With a little hacking I was able to glue two systems together with using Python and produce an extremely rudimentary ‘artificially intelligent’ in the manner of two days. This gives me quite a bit of hope.
These data structures allow you to define parent and child relationships using a set of vertex information and classes. These are best suited to dealing with a tree of nodes, a common data structure encountered by optimization and artificial intelligence.
Actually, I usually gain a desire for anything once I start doing it. I have to make myself actually start doing something, whether I dread it or not, before I start feeling like I actually want to do it. I call it momentum. Getting there is unfortunately a lot harder than it sounds.