One Pic and Site at a Time

So, I get so excited about my website ideas that, like many of my other ideas, I forget to actually commit to one and grow it. But, no more! If I can change my living habits so that I actually live functionally in an apartment, I will alter my behavior and stick to a website enough to grow it so that it’s not just ‘dead in the water’ like all my other online musings. I do the same thing with story, game, art, etc. ideas. I get so excited about the next new idea or inspiration I’ve come up with that I just kind of leave whatever I was doing and I never accomplish anything, dammit!

But I have so many ideas! Idea after idea after idea. I have dozens of good game ideas, I have several story ideas, I got ideas coming out of my ears. But… when it comes to making one of these ideas I get a total and absolute block. I don’t get it. How can I be good at one end of the process, but get absolutely stuck at the other end? Have I just grown so habitually complacent that I want all the glory of having an idea without actually working on it? That seems like it’s the case.

I’d share all my ideas, but two things stop me. One, I don’t want to get the glory for having an idea without actually working on it. Secondly, with the internet these days I don’t want anybody running full speed ahead with one of my ideas and putting me at a disadvantage for not working on it fast enough. I now that sounds a little crazy, like people are actually going to steal my ideas, but you never know. (“Who would want to share video online?”)

I have asked Maus for my pictures and videos of my last fursuiting outing every single fucking day and I still don’t have them. It’s getting a little annoying. I don’t feel as strong of an urge to go fursuiting when I haven’t been able to document my previous outing. It holds up the blog too, I’m waiting to post a post about Isaac when all of a sudden I’m faced with going out with Isaac again and I have no post to show! Where am I supposed to get material for #FursuitFriday?

But, that’s okay. I know what I’m going to do. I can’t use my phone to really document anything because I listen to it while I fursuit so that I got some sick beats to dance to. So Maus uses his phone. No more, I’m going to use my flip camera that I had a long time ago for Willy. I’ll have to see if it’s still compatible with my machines before I commit to using it otherwise I’ll waste a whole outing.

Speaking of Isaac, I’ve only begun to explore what is possible with this fursuit. I know what it’s like to record all your fursuit outings, edit them, and then put them up in a catalog of large proportions. That’s what costumesfc.com (now http://furdev.com/costumesfc/) was all about. I racked up 101 videos (I like that number), but only one of them was really catch: the MIKA music video. My friend Starr told me that I should make more music videos, and she’s right. Those sell a lot better and generate a lot more interest. I’m going to make some more music videos starring Isaac Homebrew. The question that remains then, is what music should I make a video to? Anybody have any suggestions?

I had several ideas for Willy in music videos, but to be honest, Willy was cuter and a little more seemingly innocent than Isaac. Isaac is more immediate, less cuddly, more active. Willy was more stuffed toy like, cuddly, and generally a bigger transformation from a human than Isaac. Isaac’s body fits more form factor to my body, while Willy was like a giant pajama suit. My video ideas up ’til now have been for Willy’s easy exterior and personality, but unfortunately Willy was retired and is no more. So… what music does Isaac like? I know the first obvious answer is Trent Reznor. I suppose I could see if I could do that. Maybe if I make enough of them? Who knows what might happen.

I’ve been listening to Nine Inch Nails a lot lately. It’s interesting to me, because, when I was in high school around the age of 17 to 18 I listened to Nine Inch Nails exclusively. Literally, I listened to nothing but Nine Inch Nails all the time. In my car, on the computer, etc. I didn’t listen to any other artist besides Nine Inch Nails. And, not surprisingly, I became obsessed with the music. Which isn’t really a good thing. Nine Inch Nails music is not exactly the happiest and most life affirming music you can find.

It didn’t help that this coincided with my transition to CU and my mental illness breaching full head. It was several years in the making, but eventually… the human psyche breaks and does things that don’t make sense. I’ve put all that in my distant past now, even though sometimes, some days, it seems like it was yesterday. I don’t even dream about it anymore. I actually’ve been dreaming of going to school constantly, like, high school and middle school.

In another note, I actually drove and navigated around a military post in Colorado Springs. Captain went and had dinner with her brother who lives on the post. We had gone to see the Enlightener in Colorado Springs that Saturday (a day long experience), where Captain and Maus got their rigorous training. Though, Maus is sick, so he didn’t get to get his training unfortunately. But that’s okay, other than he’s singing in a concert today, and his voice is quite ill. I hope he doesn’t hurt himself.

Driving on the post is nerve-wracking. You can only go these slow speeds, and you don’t want to speed or do anything remotely wrong because they’ll pull you over (since pretty much everyone is following the rules all the time). I hated driving in it, but it was a definite adventure, and I appreciated that. Maus kept going, “You’re going this speed, you’re going this speed, the speed limit is this, you’re going this speed…” and I was like, “Uh, yeah, I know, I’m painfully aware of the exact speed I’m going at all times here.” Then we had a little bit of a mishap where I thought a street was one way when in reality I was driving in the wrong lane because of construction. I can only thank god, yes an atheist can do that, that I came out okay.

It was better than my experience getting lost and trying to go to the airport in Colorado Springs that one time. I couldn’t understand the instructions the guy was giving me, and he kept running off before I could ask questions. I ended up not driving in any way like he wanted and he came up and yelled at me three times. It was crazy… finally I went out of an exit that was not appropriate and got out of the gate. He ran up to the car and told us that we had messed everything up and that he could send us to federal jail for not obeying him. Oh my god, that was a pleasant day.

I used to have an online friend named Frisco that was in the military. He was kind of a cool guy, but when I knew him I was kind of a crazy person and didn’t really act all that mature all the time. I was so self aware it was damaging my ability to interact with a normal person. On top of that, I’m really bad at asking people questions to learn more about them. I kind of just like people to share themselves naturally, and not everybody does that. I had a bit of a freak out in my interactions with him, and after that he just disappeared. He was a furry, and an Objectivist, which was nifty. At least as far as I could tell. He wrote a cool story, but I won’t post it here. Ah well, the last time I heard from him he said his Facebook got hacked. Maybe sometime he’ll come back and talk to me now that I’m more of a normal person again.

It’s difficult for me to understand how I survived those years of my life when I wasn’t a normal person. Every once in a while I slip a little bit into the thinking of the past and it’s really really really horrible. I can’t imagine having to endure that every minute, every hour, every day, every week, every month, every year. It’s mind boggling, but I’m so glad I made it.

Then I transformed. Transforming was a bit of an issue for a while. Sometimes I still feel like I’m transforming, but it’s laid low for quite a bit. Just like I haven’t heard from the people living in my head for a long time. I guess these are good things. Transforming AND worrying about how the people in your head are dead is kind of a full time job, particularly when you’re put under 72 hour holds. The last time I was put on a 72 hour hold, I didn’t really need it because I was fine the next day. So I just had to sit there, completely bored out of my mind for three days until they let me out. The first time I transformed they kept me there for a long time, and told me I was a high risk individual. Not so fun.

But I haven’t been hospitalized in a long time. That’s good because I may be losing my insurance soon, and getting hospitalized without proper financial backing is a bit of a problem. I’d much rather be home programming on mah computer, watching mah Twitter, posting on Facebook, listening to music, and posting on my blog than sitting around with unusual people wanting to bang my head against the wall.

photo credit: Black Ugly Doll via photopin (license)

kadar

I'm just a wunk, trying to enjoy life. I am a cofounder of http//originalpursuitssoc.com/ and I like computers, code, creativity, and friends.

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