Medication Daydreams and Tight Chests

I had mah appointment with my Nurse Practitioner today.  My old Nurse, Carole, left, which is sadness.  In fact my favorite medication nurse from the half-way house just left yesterday too!  It’s a brave new world out there…

So this Nurse, Mary, meets me for the first time and has a thirty minute window to talk to me about the most important thing in my life: my mental health and medication.  She’s not exactly the most personable woman, but the thing that has Maus the most upset is that she’s dropping my lamotragine down by a hundred milligrams immediately, to gradate me down.  Supposedly I’m taking the twice the maximum dosage for my condition of lamotragine, so she’s scaling it down.  Maus is somewhat pissed because he thinks that’s irresponsible, especially when she has never met me before and doesn’t know much about me.  He’s thinking of the time the really stupid psychiatrist up in Handyville decided that I couldn’t be on my lithium at the same time as my fluoxetine so he just dropped me off it in a matter of days.  I had a really rough couple of days with that one, but thankfully I wasn’t hospitalized.  But it was rough.

So Maus is afraid the same thing is going to happen, but I don’t think it will.  I actually think I’ll be better able to emote and think better.  Which is good, I need to start programming the rest of my URL shortener site and get that all set up.  I can’t let that drop half way through like everything else.  Who knows, maybe it’ll provide a little extra income on the side?

Here’s the thing found unsettling with this woman.  I told her how many times I had been hospitalized in the last ten years and she thought it was a lot.  Now, I’ve been on meds only (not seeing a therapist) for about a year now.  This hasn’t been achievable since about eleven years ago.  I think I’m doing really well.  I rarely have people in my head, I don’t transform, I still think I’m small but, I can live with that, and people’s public shenanigans almost never rear their heads.  My anxiety is almost non-existent, I don’t have any obsessions anymore, and my depression is manageable.  So what do you think this tells her?

It tells her that maybe therapy is what destabilizes me.  So what do I do about that?  Have more therapy of course!  Then we can see if I get more unstable and know for sure.  I have to find the right therapist that’ll push all my buttons (that sounds like an awesome idea), ’cause that’s what good therapists do.  The idea is that now I’m more stable, I can work through things one at a time with my therapist.  So in two months at our next appointment we’ll start talking about therapy.

Really?  Are you serious?  I’ve spent more time thinking about myself than anyone has ever admitted to me about themselves.  I struggled for two and a half years, barely staying alive, dealing with issues that wouldn’t go away.  That I was small, that the people in my head were dead, that I was inferior, that I hated myself, that I was depressed, that I had no emotion other than dread, that I had undiagnosed extreme anxiety, that I was dissociated, that I was in really bad shape!  So, now that I’m functioning and dealing and coping to the point that I’m enjoying my life… let’s revisit all of that again!  Honestly, I don’t understand what the problem is… am I performing too well that there must be something wrong with me?  How does that work?

It seems to me that if I’m doing so well, no obsessions, no anxiety, no predominant “delusions”… that whatever issues I may have may just be issues that a normal person has.  When I was really sick, I determined that everybody had their thing.  At the time, inappropriate public shenanigans were my thing (as well as large blue appendages in movies, *snirk*).  Some people, it’s abortion, some people, it’s child abuse, or volcanos, or nightmares about Alice in Wonderland.  Everybody has their thing.  That’s part of being a normal person, you have your thing that disturbs you or makes you uncomfortably frightened or sad.

Every day normal bleu collar (heh, did you see what I did there?) private citizens have issues!  I have acquaintances that I know have issues, but they go along in their lives functional and for the most part enjoy it.  How can there be so much not wrong with me, that there’s something wrong with me?

In other news, I went to the movies with Captain and Maus.  I guess they’ve started finishing up construction for the new mall (they’re entering phase 2), so there’s a new movie theater in the complex.  I tell you this mall is amazing.  If you ever were at the old Foothills Mall in Fort Collins, this’ll blow your mind.  It’s like a wonderland of mass consumerism, though, it seems a bit short on actual mall stores.  The tree was EMORMONOUS!  But the best part was the movie theater.

This movie theater is, as Stan puts it in the Golden Girls, primo babe.  It has much less seating, so you have to pick a specific seat to watch from.  But, it has cushy large chairs with large arm rests, and a little sliding table with drink holder.  The chairs even recline and hold your feet up if you push the button on the side.  AND, the best part is that you can order actual dishes of food, like hamburgers, before the movie and by the time the movie starts they bring it right to your chair! They even have alcohol (I got an Angry Orchard), and of course…. Starbucks.  It’s really really nice.

We saw The Good Dinosaur.  It was very good, but in some ways, a little predictable.  I mean, I understand that it’s a classic Hero’s Journey saga, and each part and construction was excellent and engaging.  I even, through all my medication, barely came to crying.  Captain said she cried multiple times.  I wish I wasn’t such a hard-ass.  I’m turning into my father step by step.  I’ve never seen him shed a single tear.

I guess I’m being a little hard on the movie because it’s difficult for me to appreciate completely predictable story telling, BUT, I have to admit that the parts in between the framework were compelling.  The dinosaurs he meets in his journey are entertaining, and those parts really did take me by surprise.  So it was good!  It just seemed a little more formulaic than say, Inside Out.  Captain says she thinks she enjoyed this movie more than Inside Out (oh the horror!), but I’m sticking by with Joy.

Then we came home.  We hadn’t played with the rats for a little while because we’ve been out every evening, getting ice cream, driving Captain’s brother to Denver, going to the movies.  So I go to let them out and the one without a scar above his eye is leaking a fair amount of porphyrin on the outside of his eye.  Poor guy!  Then I set them on the couch, and they started to play bite, box, and border.  Usually when they’re really into bordering, it’s a sign.  So we separated them and washed their little back sides.  However, there must be something about them (or the cage, gotta clean it, but it hasn’t been an unusually long time) because they REALLY spiked my asthma.  Like, I took a treatment and it barely did anything, which is a pain because as I write this I’ll have to wait another three hours before I can use it again and I gotta sleep in fifteen minutes.

Oh, Mary said that she thought having rats was disgusting.  She really tried to ingratiate herself didn’t she? 9.9

I think my rats are cute.

photo credit: Hazel fur via photopin (license)


I'm just a wunk, trying to enjoy life. I am a cofounder of http// and I like computers, code, creativity, and friends.

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