What a post! What a time!
So, kinda had a bit of a hard time for the last two weeks. Maus came home from work to check on me briefly, and Hurricane and Blood Brother picked me up and took me to Ninja and Sister-In-Law’s to hang out, get a little on my feet, and play with the kids.
It was nice playing with the kids. We played for several hours, building stuff with the pipes and blankets/curtains, rough-housing, bouncing around, just being ourselves.
I was having a hard time when I posted my previous post. I was frustrated because I didn’t really feel like I could talk to anyone, and so I leaked out onto the internet. It’s not the best of posts, and I’ve really debated taking it down as inappropriate, but I think I’ve let it stay as it is for now to serve as just kind of a record. I want to clarify something though.
When I said that things get dangerous, I wasn’t saying that things get dangerous in the sense that people were going to get hurt. I meant that things were dangerous in the sense that I could end up back at the hospital again. That things were getting risky internally, and that strange things might happen, like transforming.
I also want to address the picture I chose to accompany with that post. It’s a picture of an intense kid holding a gun. I get most of my pictures from free ‘stock photography’ sites after searching for relevant terms. The image was chosen without really thinking about it because of the emotion it expressed. The image had no link to any intention whatsoever. I don’t even own a gun, nor plan on ever owning a gun. It wasn’t meant to scare or intimidate, it was just a poorly chosen picture that came out of frustration.
Venting such frustrations in public, on the internet, where anybody can read them and interpret them in lots of different ways is not exactly the best plan of action. Maus and I have talked since then and he’s agreed to be a better listener if I promise to take some things into my own hands. I didn’t really feel like I could talk to anyone, neither Mother or Maus, and finally expressed myself in a less than optimal place.
In other words, as the brother of a former friend once said, “Facebook is not the answer.” Although he was kind of being a dick at the time, he had a point.
So, I’m sorry if I worried anyone and didn’t mean to make anybody anxious. That’s just life sometimes, we have our ups and downs. Sometimes we love our lives, and sometimes we hate ourselves with a burning passion.
One of the things that we decided would help me was to make a list of things I could do when I get all funked up. Things like, “Take a shower, Clean the kitchen, Sort laundry…” you know, important things towards self-care. We also covered a few things too like, “Go to Starbucks, Read, Program Something…” so that there were some variety and alternatives to self-care.
Mother has also suggested I make a list of things, facts, that I know about myself when I’m in a stable place. Things like all the good things about myself that I can appreciate that I may have trouble thinking of or remembering when I’m not doing so well. As well, a few facts in addition such as, “I am a human being who’s 5 foot 10 and male.” I think that’s an important thing to remember.
So where does this leave the blog? Well, I hope to take the blog up again like I was doing before. It’s a positive influence in my life, and I think that I have interesting and fun things to share. It also helps exercise my brain because I have to remember things, write them down, organize graphics, and such. It also encourages me to do things, more things than just lay on the couch and feel bad, because writing about that obviously is a wonderful idea.
In other news, I’ve decided that I’m going to maybe shelve Simple Quest for a bit, maybe, and focus on an interesting project.
Maus suggested that I design a modest adventure game, and that we could brainstorm ideas as we drove to pick up Captain from the airport. So I thought about it for a while, I’ve had many adventure game ideas over time. In fact, I completed an actual full design for Howard, about a robot in a human testing facility, when I tried to do that game-in-a-month contest. We actually got pretty far in that one, to the point we had traversable screens and walking people, or in this case robots.
So I thought, that’s a good idea, but at the same time one of the problems I have with designing games is that at the moment, I can’t really provide very good graphics for them. I’m trying to learn how to draw from my head, and not from a model, but I haven’t spent the time or the effort to really accomplish it. I have enrolled in Drawing III though, which is a good step. This semester we should be focusing on some black-and-white mediums as well as challenging myself with some more contexts and subjects.
Then it hit me, “repetitive uniqueness”. Remember my last two drawings from Drawing II? The colorful man, and the fragmented room? The colorful man was inspired by Darrell Black, where I identified “repetitive uniqueness” in my formal analysis of Face of Concentration. The room was my own creation, before I was exposed to Black and concretized the notion. Repetitive uniqueness is when a particular technique is chosen, and then copied over and over, yet each piece is unique unto itself. So you have repetition, but at the same time, you don’t.
I thought, what if I did that digitally for the graphics of an adventure game? Or really any game, but mostly an adventure game? I can make those, I love making those!
I’ve decided all I need is a good camera (because my iPhone camera is DINKY), and some good photo editing and animation software. I’ve decided on Photoshop and Flash (Adobe Animate). When I was in high school I did some interesting things with Photoshop that I really really liked, so I thought I’d do that again. When I was out of high school and in the ‘real world’ I made a quite complex paper doll game in Flash, hand coded from beginning to end, and that was neat. In an adventure game, most everything is sprite based (meaning the animation internals are just images after images, not programmed into the game), so to generate those sprites I’ll use Flash (Adobe Animate) or that’s the idea.
So what’ll the game be about? It’s a revised concept of “Man Fur Machine,” an old game idea I’ve had for a while. It originally started out focused on one character coming to grips with his emotional existence, but it expanded to focusing on four children / young adults coming to grips with said existence.
I don’t really know how to expand on it any further at the moment, other than I hope it’ll be able to engage the user in an experience touching upon things that I haven’t seen other popular games doing. Then again, I’m a little bad at the community thing and don’t really know what kind of indie games out there cover what. But, through Maus, I haven’t seen anything quite like this.
It’ll also give me an outlet for my creativity in terms of making things. I can make “repetitive uniqueness” even though I have trouble drawing figures from my head. When I was working on it in art class it was nice to be putting something together that communicated something emotional.
I love programing, but in programming you don’t really have that. You communicate in a way that solves problems, in a way that’s purely intellectual, but doesn’t touch upon our full experience of existence. I love making computers do what I want them to do, to accomplish things and build abstract contraptions out of thin air. But, inside me there’s also a writer, and somewhere deep in there an artist too. I need to exercise expressing myself in way other than programming, in ways that can more fully address our experiences. So, we’ll see, I may get a camera this evening, we’ll see. As well, it’s possible I might get CC access this evening as well. We’ll see.