Asher relates his journey into anxiety madness, and how he hit the wall. But Maus and he took a trip to Boulder on Pearl Street in search of a stone to help his anxiety. It was a serendipitous trip all around, finding some great finds and seeing some cool stuff. Relax on Pearl Street with Asher.
Category: Daily Logs
And I thought, I considered, when has this occurred before? Now, if I become dysphoric and hate on myself and form a very altered version of reality and it lasts for five days with me being unable to do anything but lay on the couch, Maus wants to take me to the crisis center. Five days! That’s nothing compared to the state I found myself in for two and a half years. I’ve written about it before.
Maus and I went to Barnes and Noble for a sale, and I got a new keychain. However, My Neighbor Totoro trinkets were calling to me, but alas I did not buy any. I did however buy a present for Captain which was neat. Why is there yoga in old town, why am I at Starbucks, and what do these antennae do on this Caterpillar Roll?
My ideas are worth something. I want to do some tutorials on electricity and programming, partially because I want to build an augmented reality system for myself (and potential future fursuits). I also want to make a new fursuit, this time of myself. In terms of programming, I though it’d be kind of cool if I could make some kind of game engine editor thing, even if it was only for me and Maus to use. Another thing I thought would be interesting to build is an AI/Robot thing. I always dream of creating a furry robot that could be my friend. What do you think?
Maus made a post once on Facebook, at least I believe it was him, which he claimed captured me perfectly. He was right, it was the image of a coffee and on it the words appeared, paraphrased, “I don’t really have a plan every day, just coffee and strangeness my friend, coffee and strangeness.”
I’ve decided that one thing I can work on is this blog. Here’s the deal, I have to keep myself busy. I’m not allowed to “not do anything” anymore, so, I’m going to need some projects or activities to keep me busy. There have been times in the past when I’ve kept up this blog to a pretty good degree, and it was kind of fun.
But, I’ve started writing down my thoughts on notes, and hopefully I’ll have more comprehensive blog data in the long run. In the mean time, I have to decide what I’m going to write my next essay on, and what tutorial I’m going to do first. I was thinking something mathematical, as I’m not quite ready for a philosophy explication.
The idea I have to keep in mind from all these developments is that I just have to love myself, and aspire to bring positivity to my life with what I have. I’m not going to get anywhere dwelling on what I can’t do with what I don’t have, and that’s what I’ve been doing all this time.
We’ll see if I have another ‘anger episode’ this week, like I did last week and the week before since stopping the Lamictal. Maybe I can direct it in a better direction, I just have to lay out the pipes. Makes me think of Super Mario, like there’s this little red Italian plumber running around inside my psyche jumping on baddies, and turning into a raccoon. Works for me!
I’m in this strange place where I don’t believe anything I say about myself, or anything anybody says about me, there’s just nothing there. I’m just nothing. I look back o myself and try to take stock, without anger, and I just find nothing. There’s nothing there… and I hate it.
I don’t understand people who wear their mental illness as a badge of some form of weird pride. I mean, I understand feeling different, and being intelligent, and seeing and experiencing things the average person doesn’t necessarily experience. I get very frustrated with my disorder sometimes because I think it gets in my way.
I just don’t generally think of my life or my experiences of it as necessarily that unusual or special, mainly because I don’t have a tendency to necessarily think I’m that special. It’s not that I don’t value myself, as I’ve been getting much better about that through reading Seth. It’s just that I don’t really place myself ‘above’ or in a position as ‘different’ than other people in my mind. I just think we’re all human, and we’re all different.
I also consider this post a bit of a reboot, to fit in line with the remaster, in that I’m wiping the slate clean with what I haven’t posted. This means I won’t feel like I have a giant back log of stuff that I have to get to the screen. What’s ‘lost’ is lost, but I can move forward with more great amazing things!