Borderline Pursuits

Well, I don’t have a part-time job anymore.

It’s okay really, it was getting too hot to do it anyway, but it wasn’t necessarily entirely my own decision.  We’re going to pick it back up in the fall maybe when the temperature outside cools down a bit.  What I mean when I say it was entirely my own decision is that there were other people involved.  Nosy people.  I say nosy because, well, I know their heart’s in the right place, but their methods are irritating.  The second to last day I worked this woman called the dog shop and complained.  She said it was atrocious that they were “making me” do this (wear a dog costume and hold a sign) in this heat, and that it was “illegal.”  That they should “stop doing it” before someone (presumably her) “calls the police.”

That all would’ve been nice and fine, but the next day (about one day before I stopped) FOUR people called all complaining that the dog shop was horrible for “making me do this” in this heat.  The owner told them I want to do this, that no one is making me do this and I can come in from outside any time.  That this is my job and that I volunteered for this job, and that I was a grown adult who could take care of myself.  This was to no avail, finally someone called and told them “this wasn’t the kind of advertising they want for their store.” I was called in an hour early.  Who says that?

Like I said, I know their heart’s in the right place, but… you think they’d ask if I was okay, or ask if I could handle it, or come up to me and ask me personally since they obviously care so much.  No, they decided they knew what was best for my well-being better than I did.  They decided to read the situation a certain way and “save” me from myself (or the hands of the evil company).  Honestly, that attitude is bullshit.  My mother and Maus asked me if they realized they were endangering someone’s job, basically their income.  We decided that we’d try to do it in the mornings, so I did a couple mornings.  We didn’t get any more calls, but, the last day before I retired for the season was so hot, it was hot even for me.  So I made the decision to stop for now, because it was just too hot.

If they cared so much why didn’t they just talk to me?  In fact, I think I talked to one of the people who called (the four calls in a row seems like a concerted group effort to me) one morning.  I came in and was putting on my suit and this lady said, “Ohhhhh, so YOU’RE in the suit.” and I said, “Yes.”

She’s like, “Did you want to lose weight?  Why would you choose to be in such a sauna of a suit on a day like this?” and I replied how Maus told me to respond, “Well, I’m a professional costumer.  I know how to handle the heat, and I do this a lot.  I’ve done it for other people.”  She’s like, “You’ve dressed up in costumes for other people?” and I said, “Yes.”  She was confused, but she looked like she had realized something.  Something about her body language told me that maybe she was one of the callers and was embarrassed to tell us so.  Actually talking to the people you supposedly care about so much?  Who would’a thought?

So, now my days are wide open again, which is a good and a bad thing I suppose.

A lot of things have happened with myself since last time I made a more personal post.  My brain was getting to the point that it was having crazy anxiety starting earlier and earlier in the day.  I couldn’t think straight, it was awful.  It was like I couldn’t think of anything little.  Details were impossible. I wanted to think all the thoughts all at once, and it was frustrating me so bad I was getting pissed off all the time.  You can’t really function when everything pisses you off and you can’t use your brain to do anything you want to do.  In fact, I got so dysfunctional Maus took me to the Crisis Center where they talked to me.  They didn’t necessarily do much at the Crisis Center, besides ask if Maus was my father (hahahahaha!), but it DID get me into see Dr. Matsukawa a LOT sooner.

I actually ended up seeing her like at the beginning of that week, which is amazing.  Matsukawa told me that I should call the center to get a hold of her if I’m feeling that bad, and not wait ’til my next appointment.  This was nice, and she decided that I needed to get taken down a notch on the anxiety pole.  So she told me to take .25 mg Ativan three times a day as needed until I can get to a place where I can manage my anxiety.  So I started doing that, and thing seemed to improve greatly.

This was in time for Maus’ and I’s trip out of state to see Captain.  We actually flew all the way to another state in the south.  It was an adventure!  We got to meet Captain’s family, particularly her Grandmother who was delightful.  In fact, we didn’t stay in a hotel, we stayed in her Grandmother’s home in the guest bedroom.  We got to see Captain a lot, and we got to hang out more with Captain and her boyfriend.

In fact, we toured and got a look at the gaming store where the boyfriend worked, and it was pretty cool.  It definitely had a much more intense focus on table top wargaming miniatures than the game stores we have up here.  I think wargaming may be more popular in the south than in the north, but I’m not sure.  Maus found a new edition of the Baron Munchausen storytelling game which was cool.  After that I bet you can guess what we did…

That’s right, we went to Wonder Woman.  This was Maus and I’s third time.  I guess I didn’t really mention Wonder Woman, but we saw it somewhat on “opening night” when it debuted.  It’s a pretty awesome film, and is really enjoying a lot of success.  It’s a dream come true for Maus, who is a HUGE Wonder Woman fan.  He finally can point to a female superhero movie he likes and say, “See?  See?  Wonder Woman is AWESOME.”  He says Wonder Woman has been the red-headed stepchild of the DC universe for a while.  But now, it’s finally cool to like her.

We went with Captain’s aunt and her friend.  After the movie we went to Captain’s aunt’s house.  They live in the wilderness so to speak of the south.  The house is under construction but it was lovely.  It has a recording studio, and the largest refrigerator I’ve ever seen.  However, we spotted a large spider in one of the rooms.  I can tell you this, I wouldn’t want to live where that big of a spider just casually hangs out… but who knows, we’ll see where I end up.

From there, we hung out a bunch and played Zelda on Captain’s Nintendo Switch.  We have it on Wii U (as you may have seen in my Let’s Play videos), but I let Maus play.  He got farther than I am, and I got to see some of the cooler aspects of the game.  We also played some board games including our new acquisition the Labyrinth board game.  That’s right, a board game based on the Labyrinth movie of the 1980s.  We picked it up in Black and Read and have been waiting to play it with Captain for a while.  At the end Maus looked deep into the eyes of the David Bowie figurine and recited the final poem in Spanish in order to defeat Jareth the Goblin King.  We also played Pandemic and Splendour with Captain and her parents.

The highlight of the whole trip of course were the fireworks!  We actually went to something called “Pops on the Rocks” or something like that.  It’s basically like the fireworks display here in Fort Collins, where the symphony plays music outside and they shoot off fireworks.  Except here they had two large bridges they lit up for the event.  I recorded the whole thing on my new iPhone, so nice, like I do every year.  It’s posted below.

It was kind of an odd fireworks display.  It seemed to kind of climax in the middle and then just sort of fizzled out over time.  Usually they have some big climax at the end, with a bang bang song, but I guess they were going for a more mellow or mature vibe?  I thought it was weird.  Captain got the boyfriend to buy her a flashy wand.  It was one of those plastic things that makes lots of different color lights.  She (and I) never really got them when I was little, so it was fun.

The airport was another adventure.  Weather was a bit off so we got delayed.  Our original flight was delayed by hours, and the ride was bumpy.  But, we ended up in the Dallas airport.  There, we would’ve missed out connecting flight, but IT was delayed a lot.  We actually left Dallas at 12:30 in the morning!  It was 4:30 in the morning by the time we got home.  I did get a nice shot of the birds in Dallas though:

Birds in the air… but not planes #delayedflight

A post shared by Asher Wolfstein (@asherwolfstein) on

Well, eventually we came back home… and then the algorithm hit.

I’ve written about this pseudo-secret project I’ve been working on for fifteen years before.  If I could make it it could change the face of information science as we know it, which of course means that it’s extremely hard.  But I had new ideas on the whole deal so I started programming them out.  I implemented new algorithms, and was going pretty well.  I mean, I planned one algorithm to take a week to implement and I implemented both algorithms in two days.  So that was good.  Unfortunately, it didn’t necessarily have the gains that I was hoping for and I thrashed around for a few days with new ideas and such… eventually running out of steam and ideas and unfortunately, with no solution.

This is very depressing, particularly when I let myself put the cart before the horse too much.  You see, I have this idea that if I make this algorithm I’ll be able to sell it to big companies for a LOT of money, and I’ll be super rich.  Of course, this may or may not happen, but I can dream.  Unfortunately, when I get obsessed with the algorithm I start to think that will be my only way to ever make money.  It actually sounds kind of silly now (a week later) but that’s how it seems. So of course, when the algorithm results in nothing, I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time and that I’ll never be independently wealthy.  That I’ll NEVER accomplish ANYTHING! (oh oh oh oh)  That NOTHING I do will EVER amount to ANYTHING. (oh oh oh oh)

So naturally I got pissed off, a lot.  That was the fall.  It always happens.  And of course, when I’m pissed off I’m a real pleasure to be around.  When it’s so enjoyable to be around me Maus has a tendency to just leave.  I HATE IT.

But something happened.

I basically artificially constructed through my own actions proof that Maus doesn’t care enough to pay attention to me, so he then is going to leave me (for a while) because he obviously doesn’t care at all.  This is a very short version of a drawn out argument.  Well, I didn’t let Maus leave this time (well really, I just told him not to and he didn’t, he could’ve left if he really wanted to).  He got so pissed off he exploded and yelled and everything.  I’ve never seen him so angry (usually he leaves before this happens).  It was kind of nice.  And he told me and showed me how I was engaging in perfect “borderline” behavior with him.  Of course, he dropped the terminology he had been using (“punishing” and “manipulation” that I don’t understand or respond to).

It was actually quite sobering.  I looked at the whole thing and realized I was engaging in crazy dysfunctional behavior like someone with classic Borderline Personality Disorder.  I know this may sound strange, considering I know I’m diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, but sometimes you just don’t see what you do until someone frame it for you.  I became less angry… for a while.

The next day Maus and I both went to the therapist appointment I had.  He took a few hours off from work and invested them into this endeavor.  They pretty much told me, in short, that I had so much potential and ideas and really just stood in my own way.  The therapist wants me to go to this Social Anxiety group that’s formed (I’ve missed the first session though) on Thursdays.  So, I’m going to do that.  Maus felt like they were gaining up on me, but I told him it was actually a really nice boost to my self-confidence.  We talked about how I’ve basically used other people, the ‘wrong’ people, to ‘tell’ me (they didn’t really say it) that my ideas were dumb and not really worth much.

Matsukawa came along and called me, which was unusual.  She apparently wants me to start tapering off using the Ativan and instead use the Zyprexa as a PRN (as needed) throughout the day.  This sounds good, but if I took all the Zyprexa prescribed in one day, I’d be going from 7.5 mg (that’s my required does now, up from 5 mg) to 12.5 mg in one day.  That seems like a lot to me, and I’m a bit nervous to do that.  Zyprexa is a very powerful drug and can do weird things to your brain, particularly when you stop taking it (like NEVER SLEEPING!).  And I know she’s going to want me to eventually stop taking it at some point.  So… I’ll stick with my Ativan for now.

The problem with my ideas is that I’ve got a steroid-pumped monster critic in my head that cuts down everything I think.  I try to think of new ideas or other things and the critic says, “No, nobody’ll like that, that’s stupid.”  I get completely and utterly creatively blocked.  And worse, I think that everything I do will result in nothing.

The other problem with my ideas it that I’ve got too many of them.  At this point, I can literally shit out ideas or pull up old ideas without effort.  I have so many ideas, and the potential to actually do them, that I get overwhelmed with the everything-ness of everything.  What do I work on?  What do I focus on?  What do I do first?  What will have the largest pay off for the least effort that I could build on?

I have no idea.

In other news, I discovered the ability to have the computer quiz me on Japanese rather than having to rely on Maus and my own flashcards.  This has jump-started my interest and practice in learning Japanese.  I’ve got Hiragana and Katakana down pat, and am working on this awesome site called, WaniKani to learn a bunch of Kanji.  It’s a slow process, but I’m getting there.  Now that I can pull up materials and a quizmaster anytime I want, it’s really accelerated my Japanese learning.  I’m using DuoLingo app to learn the basic stuff and practice the basic kana and phrases.  I actually created a group called “Furries Learning Japanese” on there.  Below is the code:

So join if you’re a furry, and you’re learning Japanese!

I’m actually in the process of figuring out a way to be able to get Japanese native materials on a kindle that I can practice reading.  It’ll be interesting.  I want to practice reading Manga and other materials to sharpen my Japanese.  Also, I’ve decided to branch out my blog.  I’m going to have Spanish and Japanese versions of my posts.  I’m NOT a fluent speaker in either of these languages, but I’m hoping to become so sometime in the future.  So in the mean time their translations are going to be pretty bad.  I’m hoping though that they will improve with time, and that this will allow my blog to reach out to more people.

In terms of what I want to do with the blog, what’s the future?

Well, I do know a couple things.  I definitely need to get back in the habit of posting more.  I won’t say, “I’m going to post more from now on!” because every time I’ve said that in any journal the opposite has always come true.  Then I just look stupid.

I want to do some tutorials on electricity and programming, partially because I want to build an augmented reality system for myself (and potential future fursuits).  Think something kind of like IronMan’s suit, when it shows what he sees as he looks through his helmet.  This means that I need to design very slim, almost small goggles like thickness, virtual reality headset, and then on top of that the image processing and 3D processing to display the graphics.

I also want to make a new fursuit, this time of myself.  Every fursuit I’ve made so far has been of some particular character that has no relation to my “fursona”. Ugh, I shudder a bit even saying that word.  You see, as you probably know, I’m a half-wolf half-skunk… that is a wunk.  I finally want to make a wunk fursuit.  For a while I thought I was going to commission one, but I’ve decided that’s too hit and miss, too costly, and I lack any fine control over the end product.  Plus it involves interacting with other people, which just… kind of stresses me out a bit (and the therapist wanted me to go to what group?)  This time I want the fursuit to be able to offer improved vision, either through a mesh, or using my augmented reality system, than Isaac Homebrew.  Because of the effect I wanted with the eyes of Isaac, vision in that suit is quite impaired and it’s a pain.  In that vein, of course, I thought it’d be kind of neat if I cold write tutorials on how to make fursuits.  That’s still a thought in the nascent conceptual phase though, so we’ll see.

In terms of programming, I though it’d be kind of cool if I could make some kind of game engine editor thing, even if it was only for me and Maus to use.  My first thought is to use my PYGJS system, and I’m most likely going to build it on the PYGJS system.  The question is, what kind of editor do I build?  Do I try to make a general purpose game engine builder like Unity, or do I narrow the scope, and build a genre specific editor?  Like, my original hunch was to “port” (not really) WinterMute to my PYGJS system, thus creating a Point & Click Adventure Game enigne in HTML5 and JavaScript (something that doesn’t really exist).  It wouldn’t be EXACTLY WinterMute, but when I was trying to use Adventure Game engines to make one for a contest, that was the most feasible one I used.  I was able to understand it and get pretty far with it pretty quickly.

Another thing I thought would be interesting to build is an AI/Robot thing.  I always dream of creating a furry robot that could be my friend.  I actually took advantage of a huge sale on Udemy to get basically $600 worth of content on machine learning, neural networks, and artificial intelligence, for like $30.  It was AWESOME.  I actually got a book on R, and statistics too because it seemed like I need to know that.

One thing I do know is that I’d like to start making some kind of income with my efforts, but unfortunately that may be a long way off.  It’s hard because that’s the one thing I think that would really help me feel like a functional human being, that I was “worth” something, or my ideas were “worth” something more accurately.  But like I said, that may be a long time.  I’ve decided I’m just going to have to ignore that for now, if I want to stay sane and feel positive about things.  We’ll see how that goes.

Ignore how much you’re worth, and you’ll be worth everything.

What do you guys think?  What project should I work on?  What tutorials would you guys like to see?  And do you ever feel like you’re not worth anything either?  It’d be nice to know I’m not alone.

photo credit: mripp Out of the dark via photopin (license)

kadar

I'm just a wunk, trying to enjoy life. I am a cofounder of http//originalpursuitssoc.com/ and I like computers, code, creativity, and friends.

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2 Responses

  1. Keith O'Neil says:

    You forgot to put the picture of the spider!

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