I don’t understand people who wear their mental illness as a badge of some form of weird pride. I mean, I understand feeling different, and being intelligent, and seeing and experiencing things the average person doesn’t necessarily experience. I get very frustrated with my disorder sometimes because I think it gets in my way.
I just don’t generally think of my life or my experiences of it as necessarily that unusual or special, mainly because I don’t have a tendency to necessarily think I’m that special. It’s not that I don’t value myself, as I’ve been getting much better about that through reading Seth. It’s just that I don’t really place myself ‘above’ or in a position as ‘different’ than other people in my mind. I just think we’re all human, and we’re all different.
I also consider this post a bit of a reboot, to fit in line with the remaster, in that I’m wiping the slate clean with what I haven’t posted. This means I won’t feel like I have a giant back log of stuff that I have to get to the screen. What’s ‘lost’ is lost, but I can move forward with more great amazing things!
That’s my journey right now in the physical, intellectual, and spiritual realms. When I’m thinking positively, I want to expand my consciousness, knowledge, and abilities to be as rich as possible. I’ve really tried to start loving myself more, and honestly, it feels much better to just do my own thing than worry about hating myself or doing the right allegedly most efficacious thing.
I’m putting myself down, I’m hating myself so severely I cry and try to stab my leg, I’m taking for granted the fact that nothing comes to me without stopping and thinking that it’s maybe because I’m not asking for anything. I’m floating in a void of self-pity, self-hatred, self-loathing, and thinking my life is cursed because of who I am.
Philosophy was one of those subjects that you learned about on your own, apart from school. It was a place where I could shoot ideas out into it and see where they go, no textbook, no teacher. I probably drove my brother crazy with all my, often hare brained, ideas and beliefs.